When the
baby was only a few months old, I could go shopping and have her with me while she slept in the stroller. But things are different now. A few days
ago, I and my husband walked to the city center, thinking that the baby would
sleep while we did our shopping. But she only slept for five minutes or so,
because it was too noisy when we got closer to town. Even if she was tired, she
couldn’t sleep. There was too much stress in the air.
When I
think about it, I’m also very sensitive when it comes to sound and noise. There
has to be total silence when I go to bed. And of course I’ve become even more
sensitive after our baby was born and my mothering instincts kicked in, so that
I can be there for my baby if she makes even the slightest sound. And I could definitely
not sleep in the traffic noise, so why should I demand that of my baby?
Silence is
very important for me in other ways as well. It’s during silence that I get to refocus
on what’s important. I need silence to hear myself, and God. I also prefer
one-on-one time or small groups when I meet friends and family, because in
lager groups it’s difficult to hear what people are saying, since the overall volume
in the room is too high. But I also have difficulties thinking and focusing if
there is a lot going on, and therefore really hearing and seeing the other
person(s) becomes difficult. And for me, that’s sort of a waste of time just
being there physically, but not being present in other ways.
When I
still lived with my parents on the countryside, I used to go for walks in the
woods with my parents dog. It was so calming. I am convinced that taking a
slow, long walk in the fresh air, admiring the creation, is truly healing.
Since we moved to Turku, I have really missed the woods and the fresh air. One
night I spent time on Pinterest, watching pictures of nature and beautiful
landscapes. At that moment, I felt a longing. I felt it physically in my chest.
That’s when I realized that I am made to live close to nature. My whole being
longs for it. For peace and tranquility. Also, when I stand at a shore and
watch the open sea, I feel this same longing in a truly physical way. Watching
the horizon, where heaven meets earth. That makes me a bit more whole.
It’s not that I’m unhappy living in the city.
It is very convenient in many ways and we really enjoy living the student life.
For the future, however, I do not see myself as a city dweller. Also, it is
almost impossible to find quietness living in the city. There’s never absolute silence.
Luckily, you do get used to it. But I’ve often been amazed by the silence in
the woods and outside at night when we’ve visited in Ostrobothnia. One of my big
dreams is to live someplace where I can go outside late at night to gaze at the
stars and listen to the silence. Maybe I especially enjoy silence since I am an
introvert. I do believe, however, that everyone need time away from
smartphones, Facebook, TV, YouTube and other types of external stimuli, just to
get in touch with one’s inner life. Although it can of course be scary and you
may not like what you find. But this is probably one of the most important
things you have to do in order to live an intentional life.
Last Christmas
I had one desire, one wish. That was to go for a walk in the woods on Christmas
morning. To enjoy the beautiful wintery landscape, the silent company of my
husband and my parents dog, as I was carrying a secret inside my belly, just
like Mary did.
And that wish came true.
