Winds of change

I have a bowl of onions in my kitchen. In the spring, the onions start to grow and green shoots form and turn towards the light. Even before the shoots emerge, I notice that the onions have started to grow when I cut them open and see the green core. Even if the outside shows no sign of life, a lot is happening on the inside.

Once again it's been a while since I've felt like writing. I guess I've been busy. But I also feel that I've somehow lost my words lately. When I first started noticing this, I thought this was the phenomenon called "pregnancy brain", and later I blamed nursing and the night waking for blurring my thoughts. But now when it's been a while since I stopped nursing and I sleep well at night, I'm starting to think that I have changed. I know that I'm an introvert, but still, I've always had good social skills. Now I feel that I have lost some of this as well. I can do a "Hello" and "How are you " and be sincere about it, but that's about what I can think of. It is mostly after the conversation that I think of things I should have said or asked.  I've noticed that when I try to say something clever, I often don't make any sense. I have a hard time remembering what people tell me, so I often have to ask them again later, and this feels so rude. I'm afraid it seems like I don't care, but I do. Oh, how I care! I know it is quite common for particularly stay-at-home moms to feel a bit rusty when it comes to having conversations with grown-ups, writing academic texts and so on. Even if this change may not be permanent and I may get my social skills back, it still saddens me. I want to be perceived as a nice and thoughtful person, because that is what I think of myself.

However, I've noticed that instead of talking, I've started to pray more. I pray for my family, for my friends. I pray for the people on the bus, the people I think about, the person I'm having a conversation with. If you are reading this, then I've also prayed for you. And maybe this is what God wants for me. Talk less, pray more. If this requires major changes, then so be it.

Today I feel like the onions I described in the beginning. I feel that God is peeling me, layer by layer, removing the dead and dry outer layer, removing what's unnecessary from my life, from my personality, from my thoughts. He is peeling off the thick covers from the life that's hidden inside. The life that has potential to grow and bear fruit if it reaches the light it is longing for.

And there's nothing that I have do to, nothing I can do. This is something God needs to do. I just need to let myself be peeled and turn towards the light. So that is what I'm going to do.
Be still, and know that I am God. (Ps. 46:10)

And I'm really starting to believe that God wants me to be something more than just a nice person.

Living in or of the world?

So many times I have walked by a wine & deli place, wishing I was sitting there, eating salad and drinking wine.

Last weekend I got a day all to myself, which, by the way, hasn’t happened in many months. So I was very excited.  I decided to go to that place I had been dreaming about for a long time. I ordered a hugely expensive salad and glass of wine, and sat down at a table by the window, so that I could see the people walking by (and so that they could see me).

So, I thought to myself, now I am one of them, the fancy people who have salad and wine for lunch.

And it was nice. But that’s about it. Didn’t feel different. Only a little irritated about the fact that I just spent 17 euros on salad and wine for one single person.

When I watch TV, read blogs, when I’m grocery shopping, I see people that have things I want. That jacket, that beautiful braid in her hair, that clear skin, oh man, if we only could afford an Emmaljunga-stroller! Surprisingly often I turn into a superficial materialist.

And there’s another thing I’ve thought about. I have often noticed and admired people who walk/run by with a cup of coffee in their hand. What an exciting and important life they must lead, since they don’t even have time to sit down for coffee!

But lately, I have started to discern what’s really going on. I have, for some reason, started to glorify that busy, money centered lifestyle that I have tried so hard to distance myself from. But my flesh has again made me think that expensive lunches and take-away coffee are in so many ways better than the salad and the coffee I make at home. The world keeps feeding me lies about how my life should be, and I often buy it all.

So I’m glad I went to that wine & deli restaurant last weekend. I’m glad because it made remember what I truly long for.

I like time for myself, but I long for togetherness.

I like pretty things, but I long for love, wisdom, inner peace and beauty.

I like getting away and seeing new things, but I long for a home. I want to belong somewhere.

Do migrating birds have a home? Where do they belong?

And yes, about the coffee. I realized that I am lucky to have the time to sit down in a comfortable couch and enjoy my coffee that I’ve made with love, instead of having to rush from a place to another and have my caffeine on the go just to stay awake.

So what about you, is the flesh distracting you from appreciating what you already have? Are the lies of the world keeping you from discerning what your heart truly longs for?

I’m glad to be able to share some of my thoughts again after a longer break. When I think about it, those 17 euros were well spent.

The longing for silence

When the baby was only a few months old, I could go shopping and have her with me while she slept in the stroller. But things are different now. A few days ago, I and my husband walked to the city center, thinking that the baby would sleep while we did our shopping. But she only slept for five minutes or so, because it was too noisy when we got closer to town. Even if she was tired, she couldn’t sleep. There was too much stress in the air.

When I think about it, I’m also very sensitive when it comes to sound and noise. There has to be total silence when I go to bed. And of course I’ve become even more sensitive after our baby was born and my mothering instincts kicked in, so that I can be there for my baby if she makes even the slightest sound. And I could definitely not sleep in the traffic noise, so why should I demand that of my baby?

Silence is very important for me in other ways as well. It’s during silence that I get to refocus on what’s important. I need silence to hear myself, and God. I also prefer one-on-one time or small groups when I meet friends and family, because in lager groups it’s difficult to hear what people are saying, since the overall volume in the room is too high. But I also have difficulties thinking and focusing if there is a lot going on, and therefore really hearing and seeing the other person(s) becomes difficult. And for me, that’s sort of a waste of time just being there physically, but not being present in other ways.

When I still lived with my parents on the countryside, I used to go for walks in the woods with my parents dog. It was so calming. I am convinced that taking a slow, long walk in the fresh air, admiring the creation, is truly healing. Since we moved to Turku, I have really missed the woods and the fresh air. One night I spent time on Pinterest, watching pictures of nature and beautiful landscapes. At that moment, I felt a longing. I felt it physically in my chest. That’s when I realized that I am made to live close to nature. My whole being longs for it. For peace and tranquility. Also, when I stand at a shore and watch the open sea, I feel this same longing in a truly physical way. Watching the horizon, where heaven meets earth. That makes me a bit more whole.

 It’s not that I’m unhappy living in the city. It is very convenient in many ways and we really enjoy living the student life. For the future, however, I do not see myself as a city dweller. Also, it is almost impossible to find quietness living in the city. There’s never absolute silence. Luckily, you do get used to it. But I’ve often been amazed by the silence in the woods and outside at night when we’ve visited in Ostrobothnia. One of my big dreams is to live someplace where I can go outside late at night to gaze at the stars and listen to the silence. Maybe I especially enjoy silence since I am an introvert. I do believe, however, that everyone need time away from smartphones, Facebook, TV, YouTube and other types of external stimuli, just to get in touch with one’s inner life. Although it can of course be scary and you may not like what you find. But this is probably one of the most important things you have to do in order to live an intentional life.

Last Christmas I had one desire, one wish. That was to go for a walk in the woods on Christmas morning. To enjoy the beautiful wintery landscape, the silent company of my husband and my parents dog, as I was carrying a secret inside my belly, just like Mary did. 

And that wish came true.

Circumstances

There is so much in our lives that we can not affect, and on so many different levels.

Lately there has been times when I’ve felt bad about my current life situation, which is me being a mother to a 6-month-old. It’s mostly just small things, like that it takes longer than usual before she falls asleep at night. Yes, it may seem like a tiny problem, but this way I don’t get time for myself in the evening, which I desperately need, being an introvert and all. And in a way, this represents the freedom that I lost when I became a mother. So these moments have really been difficult for me. Also when there’s some event or party we go to, we can´t stay late because the baby gets tired and cranky. And once again I get reminded of that things are not what they used to be.

So it is really a challenge for me to live in the now when things don’t go as I planned and when I feel the restrictions of my current life situation. Luckily, however, I am not alone. I have a husband who can carry (almost) half the load that comes with taking care of a baby, and this way we have both been able to get time for ourselves, and when we go somewhere we make sure to take turns with the baby, so that we can both enjoy the food and the company etc. We also have very helpful friends and family who gladly take the baby off our hands for a while. These moments of relaxation really keep me going for a long time.

And I have had to realize that since we can’t always choose our circumstances, we have to change our mindset and our attitude towards things instead. And have a good sense of humor (when you get pee and poop all over the floor every now and then you really get to practice that skill..)

But then there are circumstances that make my “problems” look like nothing. We live in a fallen world. Every day media reports accidents and acts of violence, and the world is infected with sickness and conflicts. When thinking about these circumstances, I realize how small I am. And I get afraid. Because my husband or my friends do not suffice. And what if something would happen to me, or even worse, to someone I love? Everyone’s worst fear is death. Only thinking about it makes me want to cram myself, my family and my friends in to a bomb shelter and lock the door, just to feel that I have control over the situation.

But we all know that’s not living. So my eyes look up to the sky, and I remember what I’ve read in the Book of Life “Don’t be afraid; just believe.” (Mark. 5:36) The man who said this is the One who defeated my worst fear. He defeated death. And He’s now telling me not to be afraid. “Just believe”, He says. He’s telling me that He suffices. The Bible also says that there is no fear in love, and that love drives out fear (1 John. 4:18). And I get it. Fear keeps me from living fully, it keeps me from receiving all the love and life God is offering me. So, if I choose to not be afraid, and instead just believe, God’s life and love gets a foothold in the world. And that´s just pure awesomeness.

Whatever the circumstances, we have to choose to fully live the life that’s been given to us.  Because ultimately, that is a choice that me and you have to make for ourselves. No one else can do it for us. So, I am thankful for every day I get to wake up to, together with my family, rested and in good health I enjoy this very moment when I get to drink my coffee in all quietness. Even those moments when I feel sad, frustrated and tired, I know that I am fully alive. Because my worst fear has been defeated and I do not need to be afraid. 

And what if I told you the same is true for you?

The original version of the serenity prayer, by Reinhold Niebuhr, pretty much sums all the thoughts above up (many thanks, Wikipedia).

God, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen.        

Martha and Mary

As I prepared lunch today I also took the time to open my Bible to read one chapter. This is what I found:

At the Home of Martha and Mary

³⁸ As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. ³⁹ She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. ⁴⁰ But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
⁴¹ “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, ⁴² but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:38-42, NIV)

I guess this is God's way of saying "AMEN, Sister!" to my previous post!

About priorities and having a heart at rest

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything here, and honestly, that is because I haven’t had anything to post.

 Since we’ve moved up north for the summer, it has taken a while for us to really settle down. Trying to create new routines in a new place with the baby has taken it’s time, and with my husband now working it has been a lot to adjust to. But to be honest, these are only poor excuses. The real reason for me not writing is because I haven’t had my eyes open for what God is doing in my life. Worldly things have distracted me from listening to the voice of the Lord, and distancing oneself from the Source of Life always has consequences.

I’ve felt tense and nervous in a strange way. I’ve often caught myself holding my breath with my shoulders shrugged, as I hurry to do the dishes when the baby is taking a nap. I’ve been bored and felt restless and sad, even if all things have seemed to be in order. I’ve felt empty.

Then one night I figured it out. “Am I really this simple-minded?!” I thought to myselft. Every time in my life when I’ve started feeling this way, it has always been for the same reason: I’ve neglected God. I have neglected prayer and reading the Word, and this is where I end up, feeling tense, restless and empty. When I, once again, realized this, all the pieces fell back into place. I got to praying, and also felt that tomorrow, I needed to open my Bible again. During prayer, I also felt that God wanted me to start with Luke, to remind myself of the basics once again. And so I did. It is amazing how just one missing piece of the puzzle can make such a difference. Or actually, when you think about it, these things are the frame and supporting structure of the puzzle – no wonder it has been difficult to build it lately.

I don’t understand how God has the patience to work with me. It often seems like I go one step forward and then two steps backward. But I guess He sees the bigger picture. Thank God for that! Getting to read the Bible again has given me food for thought every day, and my prayer life has been revived. Being reunited with the Source of Life really breathes new life into me again.

God has also talked to me about my priorities. I like having it nice and neat in the kitchen, preferably no dishes in the sink or food stains on the table. I like having the bed made and fresh flowers in the vase every day. So being a stay-at-home mom and housewife suites me perfectly. However, there is one thing about this work that I really find disturbing: there is no end to it! Every time we eat, I end up with new dishes that need washing, the bed has to be made every morning, and even if I wash clothes almost every other day, the hamper never gets empty. And for a person like me, who likes to check of things from my mental checklist when I get them done, it is hard when certain things never come to an end. A never-ending job almost feels like a nightmare to me.

So a couple of days ago, on Sunday, when the baby was taking her nap, I looked at my home and saw all the things I should get done before she wakes up. But this time it suddenly hit me: does it really matter if I do the dishes or not right now? Is it going to kill someone if I don’t make the bed today? What is it that really matters? And once again I was reminded of what is important in life: loving God, others and myself. So instead of doing any chores, I put on my bikini, grabbed my Bible and another book that I’m reading, and went outside to enjoy the sun.

This was absolutely amazing, so refreshing and calming! I got encouraged and challenged by the Word, I got relaxed and refreshed from enjoying my cup of coffee, and the sun really pampered my skin and my soul with warmth. After I’d spent an hour or so just resting, I started to feel inspired to do something. Since the baby was still sleeping, I figured that maybe I’ll surprise my husband when he comes home from work with a picnic lunch outside on the lawn. I put a big blanket on the lawn and picked a rose from my parent´s rosebushes to decorate with. I went inside to prepare one of our favorite foods, pork ribs and vegetables. Then I also felt that maybe I can make the bed after all, and do the dishes if there’s time. And there was time for all of this, and when I was done the baby woke up.

So do you see what happened? I prioritized rest and chilling with God, and after this, I still had time to do my daily chores, but now feeling rested and at ease. Since I put my priorities straight, my family also benefitted from it: my daughter got to wake up to a happy and rested mother, and my husband got to come home to a wife who had gotten so inspired that she’d arranged a picnic with his favorite dish.

"...and it was good."

This is what I call having a heart at rest. John and Staci Eldregde also write about this in Captivating (yes, it seems that this is my favorite book, and if you haven’t read it yet, you really should!). From this rested state, is where inspiration comes. So if you feel tired, stressed, tense or uninspired, stop for a while and let God take care of your heart. Remind yourself of the truths in His Word, that you are loved and free and created in His image. Talk to Him about your feelings, and don’t forget to listen to what He has to say. Get your priorities straight; rest before work, people before material things and God before everything else.

Hopefully, this post will encourage you to once again set your heart and priorities straight. Know that you can always turn back to God, even if you think or feel that you’ve ran too far away from Him. Know that He will always be there, crying tears of joy when you return to his arms.

Motherhood

I've been hesitating about writing a post on this topic. I feel that I have so little to say, since I've technically only been a mother for three months. But I figured that if I wait until I've become the perfect mom with all the wisdom and knowledge, this post would never be posted. I believe and hope, that as a mother, I am allowed to make mistakes and learn from them. I believe that, by the grace of God, I will get wiser and more caring and loving everyday in the lifelong task of being a mother. Therefore, I want to give "motherhood" a shot.

This time last spring I got pregnant, but it would be another couple of weeks until we found out about it. Since then, my life has never been the same. I could write so much about the beauty of carrying a child, so I'll save that for a later post.

So I mentioned that I've only been a mother for three months, but for me, it feels like I was born a mother. My first niece was born when I was only 11 years old, and I use to joke about that I've had baby fever ever since then. However, there is something to it. I've always felt that being a mother is something that I'm called to be. In their book "Captivating", John and Stasi Eldredge discuss the theme "mothering", and according to them, mothering doesn't have to involve having a child. Mothering is also to care for, nurture and love the people around you. This deeper meaning of mothering, without involving actual parenthood, is something I also feel very strongly to be my calling. As my heart goes out to those who, for one reason or another, cannot have a child on their own, I also believe that the longing for being a mother can be met in other ways than having a child. There are so many people out there who are in desperate need of warmth and love.

For me personally, up until now, motherhood hasn't been as challenging as I've visioned it. This is probably because you mostly hear about the downsides of parenthood. Even if there have been times when we've felt confused and unsecure, we feel that we've gotten off to a good start. We love seeing our daughter grow and learn new things every day, and I mean literally everyday!

However, for me, it was not love at first sight. I've been around a lot of babies, so having one of my own wasn't that big of a deal. In fact, I have been a little worried; why wasn't I overwhealmed with joy when my daughter was finally born? Where were the tears of joy I'd anticipated? Fortunately, I have got to learn, through my family and my marriage, that love is not a feeling. It is a decision. I also know that if I stay close to The Source of Love, I will never run out of it. Therefore, I have been able to tell my daughter that I love her, and most often she responds by giving me a huge, toothless smile. I do realize, however, that there will be days when she's not that easy to love. There may come sleepless nights when she's teething, there may come days when she throws tantrums every other minute. And since I'm only human, these things may come to put my nerves to the test. Then I once again have to choose to love, and put my trust in The Source.

So I believe that these first three months of motherhood have been among the easiest ones that I'm going to have. As my daughter grows, there will be new challenges, and I will need more love and wisdom to cope with them. Thinking about this is for me quite overwhealming. It is our responsibility to teach her good morals and to treat poeple and all living things with respect. Also, it already hurts me to know that she will face hurt and sorrow in her life. I would rather cry her tears and take her pain and hurt upon myself than seeing her suffer. But that's not for me to do. But I can stand by her side through good and bad times, and share both her joy and her sorrow. I feel so blessed and priviledged to have been given the responsibility of raising a life. I will probably never become the perfect mom, but I will try my best and thank the Lord for new grace every morning.


Oh, yes. I waited 2½ months for the tears of joy. They came running down my face at the sound of the first, bubbling laughter of my baby girl.